Cracking the Code of “What Women Want”

Cracking the Code of “What Women Want”

It’s not as complicated as it seems.

They say there are 8 wonders of the world, but we all know that the 9th one is the question: What the hell do women actually want?

This article isn’t necessarily here to answer that question, but to help explore if it’s even the right one to ask in the first place.

And hey, we might just answer the question along the way by accident.

Here’s the thing: We are constantly told from a young age that women are complicated and difficult to understand. While this may be true…so are men.

As humans, we have neurological and biological idiosyncrasies that can be confusing even to ourselves. Anyone who’s made a blunder and stopped to ask “why did I even do that?” can understand this.

So, naturally, if we can’t understand ourselves at times, how do we expect to be able to group one entire gender together into a category and understand ALL of them at the same time?

Life doesn’t work that way. PEOPLE don’t work that way.

Yet, we perpetuate the narrative that women are some mystical creatures who require a secret combination to unlock, and nobody knows what the code is.

It reminds me of a story about a small elephant in the circus. The elephant is tied to a stake in the ground when it is a baby, and it cannot pull the stake out.

Then, when it reaches adulthood, it could easily snap the stake out of the ground and walk away. But it doesn’t.


Because it has been conditioned from a young age to think the stake is stronger than its leg, so it doesn’t even try.

Similarly, we are fed a narrative about how complicated women are for so long that we never even stop to examine why we believe this as adults.

In my work, I have spoken to literally thousands of women over the past decade. I’ve coached them, worked with them, worked FOR them, dated them, and been hurt by them.

During this time, I’ve had deep and meaningful conversations with them and have really worked to understand what it is that women want.

So, what conclusion have I reached?

Women really aren’t that complicated.

SO MANY guys out there psych themselves out when it comes to women.

What do I say? How do I act? What questions do I ask? What is she attracted to?

They spend so much time trying to figure out how to communicate that they never actually end up doing it at all. Another opportunity crushed by analysis paralysis.

Maybe if he’d just said hello…

But, I digress.

Herein lies the problem. A manufactured formula that’s supposed to “crack the code” of what women want that people have been trying to uncover since the dawn of time.

But, just like in any other story, we inevitably learn that the supernatural is probably something easily explained.

As with women, the complex list of things they want typically end up being:

  • Respect
  • Communication
  • To be treated as an equal
  • To be listened to
  • To be connected with
  • To be loved and cared for
  • To be valued and cherished
  • To be held when they’re sad
  • To be celebrated when they win
  • To be supported when they lose
  • To be able to count on you as a partner
  • To pursue her goals and dreams
  • To love her family and friends — and be loved in return.

If this sounds eerily like a list of things that YOU also want, that’s because women are just not that goddamn complicated.

They want you to be consistent and authentic. To step up and care. To show her that not all men are the same.

They want someone to finally have the guts to just say what he wants and then be consistent in the pursuit of it.

The most important part.

While I (rightfully) often get heat for categorizing ANY group of people together, allow me to bring this home by saying:

She wants you to put in the effort to learn about her as an individual and make her feel like your number one (because she should be).

There is no answer to the question “what do women want?” because every human being wants something different and unique.

There IS, however, an answer to “What does THIS woman want?”

And as a man who’s interested in her — it’s your job to find out the answer.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be able to have normal conversations with women regardless of what they do, or who they look like.

And, not ironically, this approach will get you further than overthinking and trying to figure it out before you get started.

Say hello. Listen. Be normal.

Continue working on yourself and live a life that sets YOUR soul on fire.

That is attractive. That shows her you can count on yourself and have your own shit together regardless of your relationship status.

If you drop the stereotypes and just approach women like the human beings that they are, there will just be one answer to the question of what she wants:



James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach. Having spent over a decade in unhappy corporate cultures where employees felt undervalued and unmotivated, James branched out to pursue his passion for helping people live more fulfilling lives.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on the topic, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

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